Some days are better than others. I think I’ve been generally positive about my sobriety so far, and I am truly happy to be free of the chains of drinking every day. But, I’d be remiss if I let the world believe that every day is strawberries and cream, because they’re not.
I’ve had a good day today and spent time with Mrs. TKD and Mr. Grey, but in those silent moments, I’ve been in my head. Deep in the recesses of my head.
Is this how it will always be?
Some days it feels like I’ve traded my obsession with drinking for an obsession with not drinking. There are days when all my quiet time is consumed by thoughts related to staying sober. Today has been one of those days.
I can’t believe I’ll may never taste a beer or whisky again.
Will I ever set foot in Zeno’s again?
What’s right, the AA doctrine or science?
I wouldn’t call these thoughts bad, just questions. I wouldn’t say that I’m craving alcohol, but rather missing it. The truth is I don’t want to drink today, but I don’t want to think about a life without ever having a drink again either.
Alcohol has been a big part of my life for a long time — not always problematic, but there, part of who I was. In some ways, giving up alcohol has been like giving up part of my identity. I know I’ve got to learn more about myself and that perhaps these thoughts will quiet over time. But today, they’re driving me a bit nuts.