Blood boiled in my veins. My spinning head felt hot. A rushing sensation in my tightening chest. No doubt about it, I was angry. I was on the edge of explosion. It was time to leave the house.
A quick exit would have been too much to ask for. I had my keys and was out the door, but I didn’t have my wallet or my phone. Turn around, go back inside.
“Dad, why are you so angry?” my son asked. Perfectly legitimate question, I thought as I told him that it was nothing.
Leaving the neighborhood at 4:45 and getting into the afternoon traffic wouldn’t have been my first choice, but I knew that I wasn’t going to keep my cool. As I drove to the Starbucks to get a cup of coffee, I saw Goska’s Liquors.
That was the immediate reaction. Go get a bottle. I’d thought better of it and was determined to go to Starbucks. Why the fuck did they have to be right next door?
Just get coffee. Booze isn’t going to help. A new mantra. Repeat it over and over, turn right not left. Don’t go to the liquor store.
Don’t. Go. To. The. Fucking. Liquor. Store.
Success — coffee achieved. Now, make a phone call. Head for a quite park. The hell with dinner.
It isn’t even like you actually have to dial the phone, dude. Siri can take care of that.
Success — my sponsor answers the phone. I unload. He reminds me not to “awfulize” and live in the wreckage of my future. He reminds me that my problem is really a “high class problem.”
Something about talking relaxes me. I see my part in it. I realize that I made mistakes too and start to see that maybe, there will be a way out. Do the right thing.
When I get home, I find out that I’d looked at a signed contract from the year before, not the one for the coming year. No commitment had been made yet. Everything was cool.
I’d pole vaulted over a mouse turd. The future wasn’t going to be awful. Everything would be okay.
Take the family to dinner. The boy has a blast seeing his friends. I make amends for being losing my shit and leaving the house in a huff — I could have made it worse. I could have gone to Goskas. I could have screamed at my family.
But I didn’t.