I’m not a big fan of roller coasters, whether they are real or emotional. I’ve been on and emotional one for the last few days and it hasn’t been fun.
I am not quite sure when it started but for certain the idea of a drink came into my head several times over the weekend. There was a lot going on over the weekend and my father in law was visiting. I love the man, but there’s no doubt that I need to take him in small doses.
I wanted an escape hatch. The easy escape hatch that kept surfacing was to have a drink. I didn’t, but those urges sure were strong at times.
Instead, I napped, frequently.
Things seemed better yesterday during the day. I slept in and did not go to my morning meeting, opting to go to one that I like in the evening. I didn’t have much going on with the job and I ran some errands. I planned a nice dinner for the family and executed on it well. But, towards the end of dinner the twinge of a migraine started in my left temple.
If I’d been a bit more in tune with things I might have chosen differently, but I went to the meeting anyway. It was a good meeting and I felt like I got a lot out of it. Despite the nail in my left temple, I felt pretty good. I decided to get some ice cream on the way home.
Things went down hill after that. I got into an argument about sugar with my wife which lead to me telling here that it was either sugar or alcohol - zero sum.
We made up before going to bed. Before bed I confided that I’d been missing drinking - not missing being drunk, or any of the wreckage that accompanies it, but missing the act of drinking.
Despite going to bed on solid footing with my wife, I had a poor night’s sleep. I woke several times needing to go to the bathroom. One time, I woke because I’d been sleeping on my hand in a strange position and caused it to go numb.
I had drunk dreams.
My drunk dream is always the same. I’ve had one, successfully, and I feel triumphant. But in my heart I know that it’s not a success and that I’ve started down a bad path. Every damn time, it’s the same dream.
I got up this morning for the 6:00 AM meeting, because I knew a friend was celebrating 1 year and I wanted to be there for him. It was good to hear him speak and his story re-enforced what I already know about myself. And honestly, I started to sink into a bad place.
As I was getting my son ready for school, I was fighting back tears. I don’t know where they were coming from, but they were strong. My head was still pounding. All I could think about was getting the boy to school and crashing. But first, I needed to get some medicine from Walgreens.
When I got home, I took the medicine cocktail that my physician has suggested (benadryl, reglan, and an NSAID) and went to sleep. I put my phone on airplane mode to make sure that no one from work would interrupt me.
Around 12:15 the house phone rang and woke me up. I stayed in bed. It rang again quickly. I figured that it was my wife and turned on my cell. Sure enough, she was worried about me. I called her and told her that everything was okay, that I’d been sleeping with my phone in airplane mode and that I was feeling better.
There are a few things I could have done better in this episode:
- I could have called my sponsor or another alcoholic over the weekend.
- I could have gone to a meeting on Sunday and gotten things off my chest.
- I could have been more honest about where I was at the meeting this morning.
- I could have told my wife that I needed to go to breakfast with the group and talked more about what was going on with me instead of soldiering on with what I perceive to be my responsibilities.
- I could have let my wife know my intention of going to sleep with the phone on airplane mode.