I’ve been very proud of myself for how things have been going with my sobriety. Maybe too proud. Sometime around 6 months in, things just seemed to click and it got easier. I no longer longed for a beer. I was quite comfortable to be around others who were enjoying a drink or two – not hanging out at booze fests mind you, just casual beers with dinner and such. It had started to feel easy.

The truth is that it’s not always easy. I genuinely love beer and not just for the alcohol. I love the taste; the malt, the hops, the bubbles, the notes of citrus or chocolate, the complexity of it all. And sometimes I really miss the culture of the craft brew scene. I know this is romanticizing  the drink, but stick with me.

I’ve been running hard for a few weeks. Three weeks of consecutive business travel and lots of demands on me for work outside the sheer number of nights in hotels or hours on the plane. I’ve needed a break. And I’ve had my sights on this weekend for a while.

We are in Lewes, DE – one of my favorite places to be. Lewes is a beach town at the mouth of the Delaware Bay, just before the bay joins the Atlantic. One if the things I like most about Lewes is that it’s a small quiet town that still has old beach cottages on the beach. Yes – relaxing with some sun, salt, and skin would be the perfect way to unwind.

Except that it isn’t.

Lewes is also home to the owner of Dogfish Head Brewing. The locals are proud of Sam; and they should be. He built a business out of nothing but his love of home brewing and a desire to live life to its fullest at the beach.

We are staying at the Dogfish Inn, which used to be a run down place called the Vesuvius Motor Lodge or something equally dreadful. It was restored a year or two ago and, when I was drinking, I was sure that I’d love staying there. And if I was drinking, I bet I would.

But I’m not drinking. And I really don’t want to be drinking.

Still, I’ve been thinking about drinking (and not drinking) since I got here. My lizard brain is fully engaged.

But I am fighting it. Throwing punches at it – reminding myself of the reasons why I quit. Reminding myself of how much better I feel. How much better I sleep. How my wife will be seen in public with me after five. How the reason she was never seen with me after five wasn’t really her but me – I wouldn’t go out because I couldn’t drink like I wanted to. How last summer she got dressed to the nines to go to dinner and I feigned exhaustion so that we didn’t have to go to dinner, and I could drink like I wanted to. What a fucking dick move that was!

Im fighting because life is worth fighting for. Because I don’t ever want to disappoint my family like I did before. Because I don’t want to die a horrible death. Because I don’t ever want to go through the first thirty days of sobriety again. Because the monster will win if I don’t fight back.

Some days it’s like this. Some days it’s a fight to the death. But thankfully most days it’s not.

This, too, shall pass. As I recently saw on Twitter, it may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

8 thoughts on “Fighting the Lizard Brain

  1. Sounds like a nice place. Hang in there my friend. If you drink you’ll regret it. If you don’t you’ll be proud of yourself and find it easier next time you go there. It really is not worth it. If you truly miss the taste there’s always lots of 0% beers to try.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lewes is awesome. I have not had any NA beer since getting sober. I know there are some decent tasting ones in the UK – but most here in the US are rubbish.

      Like

    1. I’d like to think there was never a chance, but that would be a lie. Truthfully though I was just making myself miserable by focusing on it so much. Writing this post released the toxic energy for sure.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Stay strong 🙂 I’ve always liked beer, too, and you’re right the choices of AF beers is pretty crappy…I have had to go on some excursions to find the good ones in my area! I do wish we had better selections–maybe we could persuade Mr. Dogfish Head to try some AF recipes?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi Damien!
    I so glad you didn’t drink.
    One of my strongest motivations to stay sober is to be a better person for my hubs.
    I did the opposite of you, I always pushed him to go out so I could drink a lot.
    Getting sober was the hardest thing I have ever done!
    But that being said, I never had a baby, and only passed a small kidney stone!!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s