At the end of 2018 I was thinking of combining this blog with an older one and renaming it. I was considering the change because I wasn’t sure that the idea of a sober blog, a sober persona online, was serving me. I’ve long struggled with the idea of identity. And so I’d shut down one twitter handle and renamed my primary handle.
Then life happened.
In January one of my high school friends died, potentially as a result of his substance use. I really don’t know but it hit me pretty hard because I’d been talking to him about my sobriety and his for months. It seemed like he was doing great. And then he was dead.
February came and went, as it does. Nothing exciting. Cold and grey.
March was a shit show. I can’t get into the details but my sobriety was tested by events in my life that no parent should ever have to go through. I struggled with cravings in a way that I haven’t in years. The desire to numb and escape was stronger than it has been since my early rays in sobriety. But I did the right things. I went to meetings and I talked with lots of people both in and out of the program. I should note that everyone is safe and healthy but it was one of the most traumatic events of my life.
I also was interviewing for a job in March. I couldn’t give the interview process my complete attention and as a result I would learn that I didn’t get the job in April. This is probably a good thing.
As a result of the events of March I started seeing a trauma therapist. This is long over due and it’s been helpful. I am learning more about myself that I learned through the steps. This experience has reenforced my belief that outside help is more important than the 12 step community generally acknowledges.
April was better. The weather started getting warmer. I started running again, We went in a trip to Grand Cayman.
But April was not 100% peaches and cream. I learned that I didn’t get the promotion and I also got my first ever call from HR. It turns out that even though I was ready to consolidate my online personas, my employer was not happy with one of my politically charged tweets. To be fair, I said some rather unprofessional things to our Tweeter in Chief.
The call from HR was really a non-issue because I was happy to remove the tweet and didn’t fight their objection, but it opened my eyes a bit and made me recognize that some separation between my personal life, my personal online presence, and my professional self and online presence is probably warranted.
And suddenly, it’s the middle of May and I haven’t posted in 5 months.
I have a few ideas about some topics to post in the near future but for now, I’ll just say that I’m doing okay.
I’m still sober and I keep moving forward.
7 responses to “I Haven’t Written a Post In 2019, Here’s an Update”
It seems like we’ve been sober friends forever!
What a hard beginning of this year it has been for you.
Life is so difficult at times, and sometimes it seems the hard things come in bunches!
I’m so glad you saw a therapist!
My last therapist helped me so much, too.
Good ones can really show compassion while helping us understand or figure out ourselves, and how to cope.
Much love and hugs to you and your family.
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Thanks Wendy. Hope you are feeling better.
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I am! Thank you!
Not 2 minutes ago I said to another of our friends in the posse, “sometimes real life intervenes.” That’s not at all to downplay what you’ve gone through, it’s just to say that perspective is important. I’m really glad you are seeing the therapist. 👊
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Glad to see and read your post. I hope to see you in person very soon. Love and good thoughts are with you!
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Hi Damien, Glad you are still here, still moving forward, and still sober.
Getting sober put me on the starting line – I was now somewhat capable of responding.
I needed lots of resource outside of the rooms in order to be more than just clean and crazed.
I have often compared my recovery to repairing a car while driving it – often at high speeds. The adventure has been extremely challenging and I have to admit I’ve gotten closer to the edge with my sobriety and my life than was reasonably acceptable. I try to learn from those experiences and not repeat such risky behaviors. I have never ever truly been Superman, 9 feet tall or bullet proof. before during or after cleaning up. As they say – “more will be revealed”
Your open honest shares have always been right on point IMHO
Love you D
Take care #JFT
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