Soberlife

I catch myself again; Looking for you in the doorway. Expecting you to walk out onto the porch, wrap an arm around my shoulder, and hold me close as you did when all the others died. Not this time. No, not this time, you are not here. Still, I won’t believe it; my aching heart skips another beat, my stomach somersaults, recognizing this helpless hope for the impossible possibility – that you are alive. We have all your evidence: an instruction set for painters, heavy typewriters for writing weighty words, for poetry, for Gertrude Stein and Whitman, Bukowski, and Kerouac; in English and approximate French; poetry written down on misaligned keys, characters askew; words for you, words for us, words because we exist; paintings on plywood canvas; lonely sea fences, space bugs, spoons, and barbed wire; Your voice making sense, or making nonsense in our world; Workspace Wednesday. All that you touched, and all you created, everywhere you've been, and everyone you’ve loved, bear witness to your beautiful life. You were extraordinary, Frank. And we, we were blessed. No, I don’t believe you are gone. When your soul’s fragile shell failed, death released your spirit to dance among the atoms of the Universe. You are in the water flowing down the Gunpowder, in the leaves of the grass along Stonesifer Road; riding on cool, sweet air breezes and blue skies, breaking August heat in September; steeping with the Tea in Gainesville; mixing with the soils of the Earth; in our breath and in our blood. For every atom belonging to you belongs to us. When we were young, I would hold you tightly, burry my nose in your hair, and inhale your scent, knowing you were mine and I was yours. Brothers. Caught in this memory, I barely notice the air become still, stagnant July heat on my skin, rain falls, releasing an ephemeral rain-soil scent. Inhaling deeply, I begin again, becoming whole.

As a person who’s life could be described as one traumatic event after another, I’m really good at catastrophic thinking.  I can plan for the worst with the best of them.  I mean, I used to think about the fact that terrorists could hijack a plane and use it as a missile ever time I got on an flight long before 9/11.   ...

I’m grateful that I’m a sober dad. My boy had all four of his impacted wisdom teeth extracted yesterday and I was able to be present and attentive because I am sober. Of all the things that caused me shame during my drinking days, nothing caused more self loathing than the knowledge that I was not being a good father. I wanted desperately to be able to be a good father who liked to drink, but the truth of the matter is that this is a binary choice — You can be either a good father or a good drunk, but not both. At least, I haven’t seen anyone who’s been successful at both. ...

Over the 547 days since I last wrote here my life has changed for the better dramatically. Without going into any details, I’ll just say that my family and I have emerged from some very challenging circumstances. ...

I feel that I’ve lost my voice in my writing. Since I started this blog, my posts have been largely confessional in nature. Early on, a lot of my posts were about my struggles with various aspects of the 12 Step world as I understood it at the time. Some, but not all, of those misgivings arose from my own misunderstandings of things. ...

I feel like I lost time this summer. The entire month of July feels like it was lost. Most of August as well. It was hot, and humid, as it always is in Maryland over the summer. I stayed mostly indoors.  ...

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of self forgiveness lately. I think that self forgiveness presents a challenge for many people, in and out of recovery. As humans, we often judge our own actions through an unrealistic lens and are particularly hard on ourselves. ...

“This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” — Polonius, Hamlet, Act 1, Scene III Polonius’s advice to his son Laertes comes in the context of finances and very likely was received by an Elizabethan audience as the recommendation to take care of one’s self first and foremost — Polonius being one of the villains of the story. Just two lines earlier, Polonius advises, “Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend.” ...

I passed my final certification test for work yesterday. I am grateful to have that off my plate. Tests make me extremely nervous. I spent time connecting with coworkers to discuss a weekly article related to the balancing act of work. It is really cool to connect with people out of my own org and hear diverse perspectives. I’ve been dealing with trigger finger in my left hand for a month. I’m not averse to doctors but sometimes life gets “lifey” and it’s hard to prioritize the time to get to the doctor. Well, Wednesday I could barely close my hand and I had to do it. A few days on a steroid and it’s feeling much better. Follow up appointment next week.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. … Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. ...

This morning on my run, I noticed just how blue the sky was as I made my way through the wind and the cold. It was stunningly blue. Something about the angle of the sun made it that way. Of course, the sky isn’t really blue, it appears that way because of the reflection of light off the ocean against the black void of space — it all has to do with light and how our optic nerve and brain interpret it. It was a good reminder of the miracles of the mundane, those little things that we take for granted; that life is beautiful and we are incredibly lucky to have this earth to call our home. ...

I passed the certification exam that I had to take today! I have two more to go in the next month or so. I’m grateful to have two down and two to go. I got out for a bike ride today in my new gear and I was toasty warm even as it was 34F with 15 mph winds. Money well spent. I was very grateful to have warm ties after an hour ride! ...

Last week I was invited to attend a Certified Ethical Hacking class that is being offered to some of the systems engineers here at my company. I am excited for this opportunity to build my skills and my resume. It is nice to be recognized and rewarded for my abilities by my leadership. ...

I got a call from my doctor today and the biopsy of my mole was clean, keeping the streak of clean biopsies alive. I’ve lost count but it’s well over thirty. I made nachos for dinner this evening, which were a hit with my son. He asked to go to one of our favorite restaurants for nachos over the weekend but I told him we couldn’t due to the pandemic. It was wonderful to be able to make him smile tonight. ...

I am grateful for super glue which I used to seal a painful crack in a callous on my index finger. I am grateful for skilled surgeons hands and hopeful that the biopsy of my mole comes back clean as they have in the past. ...