Walking in Sober Boots

Words for You, Words for Us

Thu, 13 Jul 2023 13:00:00 -0400

I catch myself again;
Looking for you in the doorway.
Expecting you to walk
out onto the porch,
wrap an arm around
my shoulder, and hold me close
as you did when all the others
died.
Not this time.
No,
not this time,
you are not here.
Still, I won’t believe it;
my aching heart skips another beat,
my stomach somersaults, recognizing
this helpless hope for the
impossible possibility –
that you are
alive.
We have all your evidence:
an instruction set for painters,
heavy typewriters for writing
weighty words, for poetry,
for Gertrude Stein and Whitman,
Bukowski, and Kerouac; in English and
approximate French; poetry written
down on misaligned keys,
characters askew; words for you,
words for us, words because we exist;
paintings on plywood canvas;
lonely sea fences, space bugs,
spoons, and barbed wire; Your voice
making sense, or making nonsense
in our world; Workspace Wednesday.
All that you touched, and
all you created,
everywhere you've been, and
everyone you’ve loved,
bear witness to your
beautiful life.
You were extraordinary,
Frank.
And we,
we were blessed.
No,
I don’t believe you are gone.
When your soul’s fragile shell
failed, death released your
spirit to dance among the
atoms of the Universe.
You are in the water flowing
down the Gunpowder,
in the leaves of the grass
along Stonesifer Road;
riding on cool, sweet air breezes
and blue skies, breaking
August heat in September;
steeping with the Tea in Gainesville;
mixing with the soils of the Earth;
in our breath and in our blood.
For every atom belonging to you
belongs to us.
When we were young,
I would hold you tightly,
burry my nose in your hair, and
inhale your scent,
knowing you were mine
and I was yours.
Brothers.
Caught in this memory, I
barely notice the air
become still, stagnant July
heat on my skin,
rain falls, releasing an
ephemeral rain-soil scent.
Inhaling deeply,
I begin again, becoming whole.

Insidious Thoughts

Fri, 07 Jul 2023 22:08:38 -0400

As a person who’s life could be described as one traumatic event after another, I’m really good at catastrophic thinking. I can plan for the worst with the best of them. I mean, I used to think about the fact that terrorists could hijack a plane and use it as a missile ever time I got on an flight long before 9/11.

Grateful

Wed, 28 Jun 2023 19:29:41 -0400

I’m grateful that I’m a sober dad. My boy had all four of his impacted wisdom teeth extracted yesterday and I was able to be present and attentive because I am sober.

Of all the things that caused me shame during my drinking days, nothing caused more self loathing than the knowledge that I was not being a good father. I wanted desperately to be able to be a good father who liked to drink, but the truth of the matter is that this is a binary choice — You can be either a good father or a good drunk, but not both. At least, I haven’t seen anyone who’s been successful at both.

Living the Steady Life

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 10:03:06 -0400

Over the 547 days since I last wrote here my life has changed for the better dramatically. Without going into any details, I’ll just say that my family and I have emerged from some very challenging circumstances.

Our writer has lost his voice

Mon, 13 Dec 2021 12:04:38 -0500

I feel that I’ve lost my voice in my writing. Since I started this blog, my posts have been largely confessional in nature. Early on, a lot of my posts were about my struggles with various aspects of the 12 Step world as I understood it at the time. Some, but not all, of those misgivings arose from my own misunderstandings of things.

Don't Call It a Comeback

Sat, 04 Sep 2021 11:39:42 -0400

I feel like I lost time this summer. The entire month of July feels like it was lost. Most of August as well. It was hot, and humid, as it always is in Maryland over the summer. I stayed mostly indoors.

Making Amends to Ourselves — a Path to Self Forgiveness

Sat, 05 Jun 2021 20:20:58 -0400

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of self forgiveness lately. I think that self forgiveness presents a challenge for many people, in and out of recovery. As humans, we often judge our own actions through an unrealistic lens and are particularly hard on ourselves.

Don’t Fake It — You Might Not Make It

Tue, 06 Apr 2021 10:56:05 -0400

“This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

— Polonius, Hamlet, Act 1, Scene III

Polonius’s advice to his son Laertes comes in the context of finances and very likely was received by an Elizabethan audience as the recommendation to take care of one’s self first and foremost — Polonius being one of the villains of the story. Just two lines earlier, Polonius advises, “Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend.”

Gratitude - 26 Mar 2021

Fri, 26 Mar 2021 14:43:33 -0400

I passed my final certification test for work yesterday. I am grateful to have that off my plate. Tests make me extremely nervous.
I spent time connecting with coworkers to discuss a weekly article related to the balancing act of work. It is really cool to connect with people out of my own org and hear diverse perspectives.
I’ve been dealing with trigger finger in my left hand for a month. I’m not averse to doctors but sometimes life gets “lifey” and it’s hard to prioritize the time to get to the doctor. Well, Wednesday I could barely close my hand and I had to do it. A few days on a steroid and it’s feeling much better. Follow up appointment next week.

Resignation Masquerading as Acceptance

Thu, 25 Mar 2021 18:49:50 -0400

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. … Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.

Blue Skies, the Universe Calling, & a Quiet Friday

Fri, 29 Jan 2021 13:01:59 -0500

This morning on my run, I noticed just how blue the sky was as I made my way through the wind and the cold. It was stunningly blue. Something about the angle of the sun made it that way. Of course, the sky isn’t really blue, it appears that way because of the reflection of light off the ocean against the black void of space — it all has to do with light and how our optic nerve and brain interpret it. It was a good reminder of the miracles of the mundane, those little things that we take for granted; that life is beautiful and we are incredibly lucky to have this earth to call our home.

A Passing Grade, Warm Toes, & Letting Go

Thu, 28 Jan 2021 19:09:49 -0500

I passed the certification exam that I had to take today! I have two more to go in the next month or so. I’m grateful to have two down and two to go.

I got out for a bike ride today in my new gear and I was toasty warm even as it was 34F with 15 mph winds. Money well spent. I was very grateful to have warm ties after an hour ride!

Recognition, Validation, & New Cycling Kit

Wed, 27 Jan 2021 18:58:48 -0500

Last week I was invited to attend a Certified Ethical Hacking class that is being offered to some of the systems engineers here at my company. I am excited for this opportunity to build my skills and my resume. It is nice to be recognized and rewarded for my abilities by my leadership.

A Clean Biopsy, Nachos & a FaceTime Call

Tue, 26 Jan 2021 21:09:20 -0500

I got a call from my doctor today and the biopsy of my mole was clean, keeping the streak of clean biopsies alive. I’ve lost count but it’s well over thirty.

I made nachos for dinner this evening, which were a hit with my son. He asked to go to one of our favorite restaurants for nachos over the weekend but I told him we couldn’t due to the pandemic. It was wonderful to be able to make him smile tonight.

Super Glue, Surgeon’s Hands, & and Four Instead of Eight

Tue, 19 Jan 2021 20:39:13 -0500

I am grateful for super glue which I used to seal a painful crack in a callous on my index finger.

I am grateful for skilled surgeons hands and hopeful that the biopsy of my mole comes back clean as they have in the past.

Day-Dates, Reclamation, & Courage and Strength

Mon, 18 Jan 2021 09:25:51 -0500

On Saturday, my wife and I took a drive over to Easton, MD and had lunch at one of our favorite Italian restaurants, Scossa. We ate lunch outside, despite it being 48 degrees. Admittedly, it is a bit odd to eat lunch outside in January wearing our winter coats, but it’s as close as we are coming to normal right now.

A Great Run & the State of Flow

Sat, 16 Jan 2021 20:56:49 -0500

There’s nothing like setting a personal record or two on a beautiful Saturday morning. Today I set four on my run:

1K: 5.32
1 mile:9.07
2 miles: 18.43
5K: 30.41

I think I owe this to the Spotify Born to Run playlist, but all the training over the past three years probably helped a bit as well. To think that I honestly believed that my body wasn’t built for running — that I was too old to start running at 45 — that I would completely fall apart physically if I tried — that my knees couldn’t take it, let alone my ankles — all those stories I told myself were just that, stories. We become the stories we tell ourselves. Sometimes we need to change our stories. My new story is that am physically fit. That I’m active and healthy. And that I’m gonna live a long life and enjoy as many moments as I can on this rock hurtling through space at 67,000 miles per hour.

Organic Informal Conversion

Fri, 15 Jan 2021 22:19:33 -0500

One of the things that has been missing from my sales calls since we transitioned to 100% zoom has been the friendly conversation that normally happens before or after the meeting. Generally in face to face appointments there is time for informal conversation where we catch up with the customer about their lives outside work. This just doesn’t happen organically in video conferencing most of the time. But some times, out of the blue, it does. Today at the end of a demo, we ended up talking for ten to fifteen minutes with one of my customers about how we are all weathering the Pandemic. It was nice. Normal even. And I’m grateful for that in this time when so much is not normal.

Birdsong, Vitamin D, Engaging Work

Thu, 14 Jan 2021 13:54:24 -0500

I am not laboring under the delusion that it’s spring — because it’s only January — but I have noticed that there are a few birds that have been chirping on my walks and runs.

After a week of fairly cold days (though still no snow which bums me out), it’s crystal clear and 50° today. I’m catching a few minutes in the sun, getting some vitamin D, between calls with a cup of coffee.

Strength, Speed, Frost, & Hot Coffee

Wed, 13 Jan 2021 19:03:02 -0500

I went for a run today and came very close to a personal record for 5K/3.1m, but I stopped at 3.01 miles rather than finishing the last 9/10 of a mile. I concentrated in my training and ran negative splits for each mile finishing at 30.34 which is just a bit slower than my all time PR for a 5K. It was still relatively quiet and there was a heavy frost on the ground. The morning sunlight reflecting off the frost was beautiful.

It’s Hard Not To Doomscroll

Tue, 12 Jan 2021 11:58:01 -0500

It’s been difficult to keep up the gratitude posts over the last week. My heart is heavy and my monkey mind is in full gear. What happened on Jan 06, 2021 in Washington, DC is not supposed to happen in the United States. The President of the United States is not supposed to incite an angry mob to storm the Capitol building seeking to murder the Vice President and members of Congress while also over turning an election that has been certified by every state, the Presidents Lackey Lap Dog of an Attorney General who quit in an effort to save his own ass shortly before Christmas, and the US Supreme Court which has been filled with three justices by the President who lost the election. There are no doubts that the election was legitimate except in the minds of people who have lost their ability to reason.

A Bike Ride, Sunshine, & Enough

Sat, 09 Jan 2021 19:35:17 -0500

I got out for a 20 mile bike ride today. It was 32° and windy but sunny. I passed a church group handing out food to a long line of people. I’m grateful that I have enough and can support charities. I am grateful for the sunshine since it’s been overcast recently. And I’m grateful for a bike ride to clear the head and stop doom scrolling for a bit.

A Quiet Friday, A Suspended Twitter Account, & A Calling, Perhaps

Fri, 08 Jan 2021 19:15:21 -0500

It’s been a difficult week. I am grateful for a quiet Friday evening, at least as quiet as it can be with a 13 year old boy listening to Dr. Dre and playing video games.

After years of seemly giving him a pass, Twitter finally suspended the president’s account, permanently. I am grateful that his platform for hatred, misinformation, and lies has been diminished.

A Donut, Fatherhood, Democracy Intact

Thu, 07 Jan 2021 19:35:49 -0500

I am grateful for the donut that I had after I failed a certification exam today. Yes, it did make me feel better.

I am grateful that I was at home and able to pick my son up after he fell in a giant mud puddle at recess. He got a shower and clean clothes and went back to school.

My Recovery, My Foundation

Thu, 07 Jan 2021 09:00:13 -0500

I missed my gratitude post yesterday. In the wake of the events in DC yesterday I am grateful for my recovery. My sobriety is the foundation upon which the rest of my life is built.

Some Good News, Back to School, & Space Heaters

Tue, 05 Jan 2021 19:00:00 -0500

Today, I spoke with a customer who is at an account that I no longer manage. It was great to speak with him especially when he told me that he is now a grandfather. I was so grateful to hear some good news today.

Old Friends, Linguini, & Muddy Boots

Mon, 04 Jan 2021 20:41:50 -0500

I got a chance to talk with one of my oldest friends today and it was wonderful to hear her voice. I’m grateful for our friendship.

I made linguini and sausage for dinner. I’m grateful that my son was excited for dinner rather than complaining that I’d made something he didn’t like tonight.

Reminders, A Pair of Old Characters, & Retained Heat

Sun, 03 Jan 2021 18:54:44 -0500

I watched a few short films by a group called Teton Gravity Research. Several of them were adventure films about snowboarding. I’m not a good snowboarder, but I do love to ski. These films reminded me that there will be good times again even if the pandemic looms large right now.

New Gear, A Packed Trail, & Pizza

Sat, 02 Jan 2021 18:35:04 -0500

A new cycling jacket that I ordered showed up today and I got to test it out on a ride this afternoon. I’m always grateful for a bike ride because they make me feel free. There is something very mediative about turning the pedals over and over.

The Kindness, Support, & Love of Strangers

Fri, 01 Jan 2021 19:41:31 -0500

It was a hard day for me. The weight of the pandemic and the dysfunction of the holidays not being very holiday like hit me hard today. But when I shared my pain with my Twitter crew, things felt better. I am so grateful for the support I get from people around the world on that service. I know that some people find Twitter to be a cesspool, and if I look in the wrong corners I see it as well, but the group that I interact with in a daily basis is so life affirming and supportive.