Walking in Sober Boots

So, this is where I am

January 4th, 2016

The thoughts that I’d been having over the past few days stuck with me into the evening yesterday. Despite my best efforts to occupy my mind with other things including listening to music, playing my acoustic guitar, opening up my electric guitar to see if I could fix it (it’s busted and probably will not be worth repairing), and taking a long walk in the cold air, I had trouble shaking those thoughts.

So, I went to a meeting. And that helped. As I walked into the meeting I thought to myself, “I sure hope this speaker is a good one.” And she was. She had a story to tell, but more importantly she was good at conveying a message of hope. I went to bed last night with good thoughts in my mind.

And then this morning came around. (more…)
Is this how it will always be?

January 3rd, 2016

Some days are better than others. I think I’ve been generally positive about my sobriety so far, and I am truly happy to be free of the chains of drinking every day. But, I’d be remiss if I let the world believe that every day is strawberries and cream, because they’re not.

I’ve had a good day today and spent time with Mrs. TKD and Mr. Grey, but in those silent moments, I’ve been in my head. Deep in the recesses of my head.

Is this how it will always be?

Some days it feels like I’ve traded my obsession with drinking for an obsession with not drinking. There are days when all my quiet time is consumed by thoughts related to staying sober. Today has been one of those days.

I can’t believe I’ll may never taste a beer or whisky again.

Will I ever set foot in Zeno’s again?

What’s right, the AA doctrine or science?

I wouldn’t call these thoughts bad, just questions. I wouldn’t say that I’m craving alcohol, but rather missing it. The truth is I don’t want to drink today, but I don’t want to think about a life without ever having a drink again either.

Alcohol has been a big part of my life for a long time — not always problematic, but there, part of who I was. In some ways, giving up alcohol has been like giving up part of my identity. I know I’ve got to learn more about myself and that perhaps these thoughts will quiet over time. But today, they’re driving me a bit nuts.
A risk I’m not willing to take

January 2nd, 2016

I won’t say that there’s no chance of me ever drinking again for a couple of reasons:

First, relapse happens. I pray that it doesn’t happen to me, but I am conscious that it could.

Second, modern science has shown that a majority of heavy drinkers can moderate successfully. I know that goes against the 12-step doctrine, but the doctrine was written nearly 80 years ago — when there wasn’t a great deal of good science on the subject.

Still, I’m not willing to take the risk. I’ve gained far more than I’ve lost by giving up the booze.
My New Years Hope

January 2nd, 2016

New Years Day — A time to look back and a time to look forward. For many, a time for resolutions. I’m not making any resolutions this year, because I’ve learned that I really need to work with the next 24 hours. Besides, I have failed keep true to my resolutions so many times in the past — why set myself up for another failure?

The year 2015 will go down as one of the significant years in my life because I finally took action and addressed my drinking. It had been a long internal struggle which culminated in a gradual surrender over the period of four days in late September. That surrender gave way to freedom.

While the last three months of 2015 were markedly better than the first nine because I was sober, they weren’t easy. The first nine weren’t particularly happy and certainly weren’t healthy. I was in a special kind of hell most of the year.

So, here’s hoping for a happier and healthier 2016.
Making Connections

December 31st, 2015

I shared my story for the first time as the speaker at a meeting last night. I was nervous at first. Who wouldn’t be? When you share your story, you’re bearing your soul — to a room full of people that you don’t know.

But there’s magic in those rooms. The people who fill them understand each other in ways that those on the outside simply do not. Once I got started, I fell into an easy cadence and was able to speak with clarity and confidence. (more…)
The Greatest Gift

December 26th, 2015

Of all the gifts I gave or received this year for Christmas, the greatest gift is my sobriety. I did a calculation yesterday and figured that this was the first Christmas I’d been sober in 27 years.

That is not completely accurate, my wife was expecting in 2007 and I know that I didn’t drink on Christmas day that year because we didn’t know when the baby would get here. If Mr. Grey hadn’t been on the way, I certainly would have been drinking.

In those 27 years, I there were many when I drank in moderation, perhaps even normally, but in the past 7 there was nothing moderate or normal about my drinking. And my recollections of those Christmases are somewhat foggy.

But not this year. This year, I was sober and it was the greatest gift I could have given — to myself, and to my family. (more…)
Three Months: It doesn’t ever have to be like that again.

December 23rd, 2015

Today marks three months since I traded in my drinking shoes for a pair of sober boots.

“It’s taken me a long time to get here.”

That’s what I said when I introduced myself at the first meeting. In fact, it’s all I said. Defeated, I was surrendering.

My healing began that day, though I didn’t know or recognize it. I have been fortunate in my recovery, I’ve undergone trans-formative healing in a short period of time. Others have told me that it took years for them to see the progress I’ve made in a few short months. (more…)
Adams County Roads

December 12th, 2015

Single car accidents happen —
testosterone, horsepower, and
speed limits ignored,
roads winding and rolling
over the land, more dangerous
than sex, cigarettes, or booze;
ingredients to disasters
at sixteen and a half —
on icy cold winter nights.

— D.E.D 2015
© @soberboots
Surrender

December 4th, 2015

surrender |səˈrendər|
verb [ no obj. ]
cease resistance to an enemy or opponent

In the United States, we live in a culture of winners and losers. Our heroes are sports personalities, celebrities, the military, and super-heroes. Our culture teaches us to be self-reliant and to “never give up,” to “fight the good fight,” and to “win.” Surrender is antithetical to our national identity and is not part of our national lexicon.

Only the weak surrender. Surrender is never part of the plan.

On the day that I decided to quit drinking I wrote in my journal that I needed to fight like a warrior against this foe that would ultimately kill me. That sounded good at the time.

That’s what I knew.

I’d been fighting alcoholism for a very long time. In retrospect, possibly for over 20 years. I haven’t decided when I crossed the line of drinking socially to drinking alcoholically. Maybe I went back and forth across it a few times.

I thought that I needed to fight this addiction; that somehow I could win, even though I couldn’t imagine what winning looked like.

I realize now that I was fighting not against the addiction but rather against the idea of sobriety. I couldn’t win a war with alcohol. The true war was within myself.

I was afraid of what a sober life would look like. I was afraid of giving up something that felt like it was a part of me, of missing my drinks, of missing out on fun.

And so I battled against the idea of giving up the drink entirely for years. And it only got worse. I tried to moderate and it only got worse. I went from being a weekly drinker, to being a daily drinker. I went from a few beers, to a half a bottle of bourbon and a few beers, daily. I started to have blackouts.

I’d found a hell from which there seemed to be no way to escape.
There was no way I was going to conquer the booze. The booze had conquered me.

And ultimately, it was going to ruin everything I had in my life. If I continued to drink, I was on a path that would destroy my life; my relationships with my wife and my son, and ultimately me.

So, I surrendered.

I surrendered to the fact that I’m addicted to alcohol, to the fact that my drinking was not normal, and to the fact that if I want to live, I have to do it without the booze. I gave up the fight and acknowledged that I couldn’t drink alcohol.

Addiction never ends well. Death and destruction are universal truths in the story of addiction.

The only way to win the war is to surrender and start living a sober life.