Emotional Sobriety on Walking in Sober Boots

Our writer has lost his voice

Mon, 13 Dec 2021 12:04:38 -0500

I feel that I’ve lost my voice in my writing. Since I started this blog, my posts have been largely confessional in nature. Early on, a lot of my posts were about my struggles with various aspects of the 12 Step world as I understood it at the time. Some, but not all, of those misgivings arose from my own misunderstandings of things.

Making Amends to Ourselves — a Path to Self Forgiveness

Sat, 05 Jun 2021 20:20:58 -0400

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of self forgiveness lately. I think that self forgiveness presents a challenge for many people, in and out of recovery. As humans, we often judge our own actions through an unrealistic lens and are particularly hard on ourselves.

Birdsong, Vitamin D, Engaging Work

Thu, 14 Jan 2021 13:54:24 -0500

I am not laboring under the delusion that it’s spring — because it’s only January — but I have noticed that there are a few birds that have been chirping on my walks and runs.

After a week of fairly cold days (though still no snow which bums me out), it’s crystal clear and 50° today. I’m catching a few minutes in the sun, getting some vitamin D, between calls with a cup of coffee.

Flexibility, Running, & the Sun

Tue, 22 Dec 2020 13:51:24 -0500

I’m grateful for the flexibility and the mobility that my job affords me which means I don’t have to stress about how to manage my son’s time off school over the holidays.

I plan to go for a run this afternoon and I’m grateful for the ability to run. Running helps me calm my monkey mind.

Hiding in Plain Sight

Mon, 21 Dec 2020 08:00:00 -0500

I’m stealthy. I’ve always been good at keeping secrets — hiding things. I hid my feelings of guilt and shame about my father’s suicide when I was a kid by telling people all about it as soon as I got comfortable with them. If I told them the story quickly, and without a lot of feelings, then they would think I was over it — that I’d made peace with it. I told people that it was something that had happened, matter of factly, like it was as insignificant as what I’d had for breakfast.

A Reminder, Some Relief, & a Conversation with a Friend

Wed, 16 Dec 2020 10:17:51 -0500

Lately, for a variety of reasons, coming up with three things I’m grateful for has been a bit of a challenge. I was reading one of my books of reflections and I was reminded that life is what we make of it. Often, we must look for the light. That’s what this practice is all about. I’m grateful for the reminder.

My Role at Work, My Health, & Cinnamon Tea

Mon, 14 Dec 2020 18:59:05 -0500

In the past 24 hours, the news that several federal agencies had been compromised through a suspected supply chain breach of a network management vendor. I haven’t been as grateful as I am today to no longer be in operations in quite some time. At the same time I have a great deal of empathy and compassion for all those in operational roles and employees the firm and agencies that got breached because I know how hard they have been and will be working for the foreseeable future and just how stressful it is to respond to a breach.

Healing, Running, & Sleeping In

Sun, 13 Dec 2020 09:08:37 -0500

Yesterday, I talked with my dear friend who had open heart surgery last week. It was wonderful to hear his voice and even better to hear that he would likely be discharged to day. I’m grateful for the success and healing and grateful to have him in my life.

Neural Pathways, An Old Photo, & a Warm Day Ahead

Sat, 12 Dec 2020 09:00:12 -0500

I’ve been reading the news this morning and even after only a short 39 minutes I am feeling overwhelmed. I’m grateful for this daily gratitude practice which has really made a difference in my outlook in this difficult time by rewiring the neural pathways in my brain.

On Suffering, In and Out of the Saddle

Sun, 06 Dec 2020 19:36:10 -0500

Within the sport of cycling, a contingent of people seem to glorify suffering. This glorification of suffering stems from a toxic masculinity that pervades the sport. It is true that much has been done to welcome women to the sport, and it is also true that there are many seriously bad ass women in the sport, but by and large it is dominated by men. And they like to tell each other how much they suffer in the saddle.

Confessions of a Man Addicted to Boots

Fri, 04 Dec 2020 20:02:33 -0500

I have loved boots as long as I can remember. I remember having rubber boots that buttoned around the front when I was very small, wearing sandwich bags over my feet to go out in the snow. When I was in second grade, after we moved to the sticks, I started asking for a pair of cowboy boots, and a insulated vest, because that’s what the kids who’s parents had farms wore to school.

Leaving New York

Tue, 24 Nov 2020 16:00:47 -0500

We came here knowing that this trip would be different but it was more challenging than we expected. Prior to heading to NY for a week in the Catskills, all three of us had gotten COVID tests in order to conform with the current NY state guidelines. These guidelines stipulated that we could come to the state provided that we’d had a negative COVID test within three days of arrival and we would agreed to quarantine for three days upon arrival. We would be released from quarantine after getting another COVID test with negative results on the fourth day. In theory this sounded feasible. In practice we faced many hurdles.

A Sober Agnostic’s Crisis of Faith

Fri, 20 Nov 2020 12:30:05 -0500

Things are really hard right now. Every day, I feel overwhelmed. Like so many others, I’m navigating uncharted waters without so much as a compass. The uncertainty of the moment weighs heavily on my mind and the challenges we face as a family feel insurmountable. It’s a game of wack-a-mole.

Gratitude 11/19/2020

Thu, 19 Nov 2020 07:48:18 -0500

I am grateful for the strength to make amends and ask for forgiveness, I wasn’t always good at recognizing when I was in the wrong in the past.
I am grateful for the forgiveness others afford to me, it shows that I’ve made progress rebuilding trust with people I’ve hurt.
I am grateful to be able to forgive others. Letting go of anger and resentment and forgiving others heals as much as or more than it heals others.

How Empathy and Compassion Helped Me Heal

Wed, 11 Nov 2020 19:18:10 -0500

Have you ever been afraid for your life? Not just scared, but really concerned that you just might die — right here, right now.

I have.

It was a late summer evening and I was 15 years old. School had already started but the sun was still high enough in the sky that we could go out after eating dinner and cruise around town on our bikes — we ate early, 5:30 every day. My brother and I had ridden into town on our freestyle box bikes and met up with our friend Matt to go to Sheetz — Central PA and North Western MD’s incarnation of a 7-Eleven, except they didn’t have Slurpies.

Thoughts on Understanding vs. Empathy and National Healing

Fri, 06 Nov 2020 12:19:05 -0500

I’ve been thinking a lot about empathy lately, in part because the tone of our nation borders on uncivil at best and out right bellicose at worst. Indeed, the tone of the nation is not uniform. There are pockets of civility, at the individual level, but by and large, the tone of our national conversation rears its ugly head by envisioning anyone who does not think or act in the manner that we do as the enemy.

Joy; Unbridled — Thoughts on My Higher Purpose During the Coronavirus Pandemic

Sun, 18 Oct 2020 10:45:09 -0400

As the pandemic reaches the seventh month here in the United States, and our death toll continues to climb — in part due to mismanagement and disinformation on the part of the highest levels of our federal government — we are assaulted by science denial and lies on a daily basis. We watch as the President intentionally sows distrust of the electoral process, spreads baseless conspiracy theories, and has calls for his cult like followers to actively participate in voter intimidation at the polls, as it becomes more and more likely that he will lose the election.

Courage, Rebellion, and a Universe that has Your Back

Mon, 12 Oct 2020 13:24:31 -0400

Something that isn’t talked about enough in the rooms of the recovery community — courage. It takes courage to admit that we have a problem. It takes courage to ask for help. It takes courage to leave behind old habits and old coping mechanisms. It takes courage to get honest with ourselves and others. It takes courage to get sober or get clean.

Grateful for Technology

Sat, 22 Aug 2020 20:11:10 -0400

Since March, I haven’t been to an in person 12 Step meeting. I’ve been to meetings, just not in person. And really, at this point even as we’ve had in person meetings open back up and some have gone to a hybrid mode (in person and zoom at the same time), I have no intention of going back for the foreseeable future. Not because I don’t need meetings, I do, but because I am not quite ready to go sit in a room with other people in recovery who may or may not be taking this pandemic seriously.

Strengthening Our Hearts

Sat, 01 Aug 2020 09:14:20 -0400

Of all the muscles in the body, the heart is probably the most essential. In conjunction with the diaphragm, the heart works to delivering oxygen and nutrients to every other system in the body by pumping blood 24 hours a day.

Fall Down Seven Times, Stand Up Eight

Wed, 06 May 2020 14:50:17 -0400

Are you Struggling?

Yesterday, one of my Twitter friends sent a tweet saying that she would be deleting her account because she was drinking wine again. A few weeks ago, another friend on Twitter posted that he’d relapsed and he would be deleting his account because he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t keep half-assing sobriety. Perhaps you have seen these messages. Perhaps you’ve sent a similar message. Perhaps you feel an incredible desire to pickup a drink or a drug. Perhaps, you are struggling.

Permission to Grieve

Mon, 20 Apr 2020 21:35:06 -0400

Before I begin, I want to say, categorically, that I’m not going to pick up a drink. When I think about the escape that alcohol provides, I can’t help but remember the emotional prison where it held me hostage for so long.

Resilience in the Time of COVID-19

Sun, 22 Mar 2020 20:24:24 -0400

The mysterious universe seems to be built upon cycles. Stars are born out of gas clouds and cosmic dust. As the dust spins and collides, heat begins to build, and a proto-star is born. These proto-stars grow in size to become stars. Over the lifetime of a star it expands as it burns off fuel. Stars burn for eons until the fuel is consumed, at which point, they collapse upon themselves forming either white dwarves or black holes.

Recover Your Joy

Thu, 12 Mar 2020 20:16:31 -0400

Our world has felt heavy to me for a long time. If I’m honest, it has felt heavy ever since 9/11/2001. That was the day that everything changed. Collectively, we lost our innocence in the United States on that day.

Thoughts on Gratitude and Acceptance

Sun, 23 Feb 2020 17:38:51 -0500

I used to hate when the topic of gratitude came up in meetings, and it seemed to come up all the time. Early in my sobriety I had two feelings about the topic of gratitude.

I’ve got little to be grateful for because I can’t drink alcohol like a normal person. I’m going to miss out on so much.
I’m not the one who should be grateful. I’m making a sacrifice so that everyone around me is better off.

Talk about some clouded thinking.

Having Fun in Sin City, in Recovery

Fri, 14 Feb 2020 09:52:15 -0500

Vegas is not my favorite place. I didn’t like Vegas when I was drinking and I find it overwhelming now as a sober guy. It’s really more about being an introvert than it is about the drinking, drugs, and debauchery that are on public display. I am sensitive to being overly stimulated and Vegas is a constant buzz of activity, blinking lights, and noise. And yet, I’ve found ways to go to Vegas and enjoy myself.

Fragility, Acceptance, and Patience

Mon, 20 Jan 2020 11:05:13 -0500

We are fragile creatures. We like to think that we are at the top of the food chain, the apex predator, the all powerful human beings, but in reality we are sensitive little organisms going about our lives as this tiny planet spins around on its axis orbiting one of billions of stars in the expansive universe. And we can be conquered by organisms that we can’t even see with our naked eye.

Step 8: Focus on What Matters

Mon, 16 Dec 2019 14:22:19 -0500

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Let’s be honest, making a list of people who we have harmed can be a daunting task for anyone. No one wants to think about the mistakes they’ve made in life and how these mistakes have impacted others. Many of us have made poor choices in our active addictions.

Vegas, Baby...Vegas

Thu, 22 Aug 2019 01:41:37 -0400

If there is a place on earth for which I hold more disdain than Las Vegas, I have yet to see it. In truth, Vegas was never my place even when I was a drinker. Sure, I had some wild times here, and even a few that might be considered fun, but on the whole it’s loud and obnoxious and the main point in Vegas is debauchery. And still, I come to Vegas at least twice a year for my job. Believe me, it’s not by choice. It’s hard to be a sober guy in Sin City.

August is the Cruelest Month, Mr. Eliot

Sat, 17 Aug 2019 09:33:24 -0400

It’s August. That’s part of it. I’m approaching four years of sobriety and I can feel the squirrels prancing around in my brain.

I didn’t recognize it at first. I knew that something was off, but it didn’t occur to me that this “offness” could be rooted in the fact that I’m nearing in on 1460 days without a drink. Actually 1461 because of leap year, but who’s counting?