Sober Thoughts

It’s 90°F and the Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend.My wife is headed out if town and I will have my eight year old son in my own this weekend. It’s going to be hot tomorrow too. Of course, the AC would go on the fritz today. Murphy’s Law. It would be easy to let it get to me and to loose my shit about it. In the past I would have bitched up a storm, maybe thrown my phone across the room, and definitely drank over it – because that was how I dealt with everything, whether it was good or bad. But not today. ...

I thought I was done with this step. I really did. When I talked with my sponsor about this step back in the winter, he suggested that I say the 3rd step prayer in the big book every day for 2 weeks and then tell him when I felt that I was willing to turn things over to a higher power. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: “God, I offer myself to Thee— to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!” A.A. World Services Inc (2013-12-02). Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 1034-1036). A.A. World Services, Inc.. Kindle Edition. I spent quite a bit of time searching for a way to get through this and feel comfortable with the wording of it. I read the 12 and 12, and the big book, I talked with some people about it. I struggled with this wording. It makes my skin crawl. ...

Look, this isn’t always easy. There are times when the appeal of a cold beer is pretty strong. Sometimes it’s because I’m angry. Sometimes it’s because I’m bored. Sometimes it’s because the sun is shining and its 70° F. Sometimes, it’s because it’s Tuesday… When the urge strikes, I find that it’s good to remind myself why I got sober. I find that it’s good to look back on some older posts reminding myself of just where I was. And sometimes, that’s enough to set the mind on the right path. ...

Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. A.A. World Services Inc (2013-12-02). Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Location 4976). A.A. World Services, Inc.. Kindle Edition. Volumes can and have been written on one of my most favorite activities in the world, fishing. Tales full of hyperbole. Stories about the one that got away. Articles and books on gear and technique. And of course stories that seem to tell tales of life lessons, patience, acceptance, allegories about death and dying. What could I possibly add to this tome of information on the subject of fishing? Probably not much. The idea for this post came during a meeting the other day. A few of the gentlemen in the room were talking about acceptance. ...

As I drive down Maryland Route 140 from Westminster toward I795, the sun sets in the rear-view mirror. For years I tried to let the sun set on my youth. I felt out of step with the world growing up in rural Maryland. And in a lot of ways, I was out of step with the world. But now, I’m finding that venturing back to where I grew up is not as painful as I might have imagined it. I’ve just had an amazing reunion with a very special teacher, one who saw something in me and helped me set my life on a better path in high school. Through the miracles of technology, we have been reunited and have kept up with each other over the past 8 years or so. We met one other time, before I went off the rails. ...

As I mentioned yesterday, earlier this year I got a number of questions from a concerned fraternity brother about my journey in sobriety that I’d like to address on this blog. I felt the need to paint the picture of my college experience as background for this series of posts. I’m writing my responses to these questions, in hopes that others may learn from my experience, strength, and hope. What should the Psi Chapter Alumni Association (hereafter referred to as we) be doing to help known alcoholics, those living with alcoholics, and those that will one day discover that they have the disease? Well, this isn't going to be easy....

I’ve suffered from migraine headaches most of my life. They started in puberty, though they weren’t immediately recognized or diagnosed. I can remember days in high school when I could barely focus because the pain was so strong. For years I thought that these episodes were shoulder and neck tightness, it wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that a doctor suggested that I pay close attention to where I first noticed the pain (in my temple) that I discovered that the stiff shoulder and neck were part of the migraine. ...

You may be expecting this to be a treatise on anonymity and social media or an argument for recovering out loud. It isn’t. Sorry to disappoint you. I’m writing to share my experience, so that you might avoid it if you’re newly sober. See, when I got sober, I didn’t give my social media much thought. I just started following people in recovery and tweeting from my original account. Same thing with Instagram. ...

February 27 Into the fabric of recovery from alcoholism are woven the Twelve Steps and the Twelve Traditions. – Daily Reflections: A Book of Reflections by A.A. Members for A.A. Members (Kindle Location 447). I really enjoy the phrase, “fabric of recovery.” This morning, I spent most of my meeting thinking about this phrase and struggling to put together coherent thoughts about it. There were many ideas that came to mind – connectedness, frayed ends, raw fibers, oneness – And I just couldn’t put it all together to share with the group. ...

My first experience with booze was pretty miserable. I was probably about 13 years old or so when a friend came over to my house while my parents were not home. Never one to miss an opportunity to misbehave, he suggested that we should get drunk. We locked my brother out of the house and proceeded to raid my parents liquor stash. In order to assure that they wouldn’t notice, my friend suggested that we take a little from each bottle and combine them all into a tumbler. Then we took shots. Imagine, if you will, a concoction that included (minimally) the following: vodka, bourbon, creme de mint, liquor 43, peach schnapps and possible tequila. It is a wonder I didn’t hurl on the first drink. We got good and drunk. ...

On Twitter, I’ve been fairly open about the fact that I’ve had some concerns with “the program” as of late. In meetings, I’ve said things like, “I’m not sure this program is right for me,” or “I don’t have a problem with a Higher Power, but I do have a problem with what the author wrote,” in reaction to readings from Daily Reflections. Over the past few days, I’ve given this a lot of thought and I think I’ve come to terms with what’s been niggling me. It’s true that I don’t have a problem believing in a higher power, or a God if that’s what you call it. I actually attend church on a relatively regular basis, though I will confess that there are things about it that get under my skin. What I have been struggling with is that I feel that there is an under current of fundamentalist evangelicalism in some of the AA literature that I’ve been reading. There seems to be a notion of “being saved” by a power greater than me – a notion of redemption. And that is exactly what doesn’t sit well with me. I posted this to StopDrinking on Reddit last night and got some good feedback. A few people suggested that perhaps I was reading too much into things. And maybe I am. I don’t know. What I do know is that I have never bought in to the idea of being saved. I believe too strongly in the idea of freedom of will and in personal responsibility to accept the notion that a higher power can “save” me. ...

The thoughts that I’d been having over the past few days stuck with me into the evening yesterday. Despite my best efforts to occupy my mind with other things including listening to music, playing my acoustic guitar, opening up my electric guitar to see if I could fix it (it’s busted and probably will not be worth repairing), and taking a long walk in the cold air, I had trouble shaking those thoughts. So, I went to a meeting. And that helped. As I walked into the meeting I thought to myself, “I sure hope this speaker is a good one.” And she was. She had a story to tell, but more importantly she was good at conveying a message of hope. I went to bed last night with good thoughts in my mind. And then this morning came around. ...

Some days are better than others. I think I’ve been generally positive about my sobriety so far, and I am truly happy to be free of the chains of drinking every day. But, I’d be remiss if I let the world believe that every day is strawberries and cream, because they’re not. ...

I won’t say that there’s no chance of me ever drinking again for a couple of reasons: First, relapse happens. I pray that it doesn’t happen to me, but I am conscious that it could. Second, modern science has shown that a majority of heavy drinkers can moderate successfully. I know that goes against the 12-step doctrine, but the doctrine was written nearly 80 years ago – when there wasn’t a great deal of good science on the subject. ...