Sobriety on Walking in Sober Boots

Insidious Thoughts

Fri, 07 Jul 2023 22:08:38 -0400

As a person who’s life could be described as one traumatic event after another, I’m really good at catastrophic thinking. I can plan for the worst with the best of them. I mean, I used to think about the fact that terrorists could hijack a plane and use it as a missile ever time I got on an flight long before 9/11.

Making Amends to Ourselves — a Path to Self Forgiveness

Sat, 05 Jun 2021 20:20:58 -0400

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of self forgiveness lately. I think that self forgiveness presents a challenge for many people, in and out of recovery. As humans, we often judge our own actions through an unrealistic lens and are particularly hard on ourselves.

Don’t Fake It — You Might Not Make It

Tue, 06 Apr 2021 10:56:05 -0400

“This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

— Polonius, Hamlet, Act 1, Scene III

Polonius’s advice to his son Laertes comes in the context of finances and very likely was received by an Elizabethan audience as the recommendation to take care of one’s self first and foremost — Polonius being one of the villains of the story. Just two lines earlier, Polonius advises, “Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend.”

Resignation Masquerading as Acceptance

Thu, 25 Mar 2021 18:49:50 -0400

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. … Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.

Blue Skies, the Universe Calling, & a Quiet Friday

Fri, 29 Jan 2021 13:01:59 -0500

This morning on my run, I noticed just how blue the sky was as I made my way through the wind and the cold. It was stunningly blue. Something about the angle of the sun made it that way. Of course, the sky isn’t really blue, it appears that way because of the reflection of light off the ocean against the black void of space — it all has to do with light and how our optic nerve and brain interpret it. It was a good reminder of the miracles of the mundane, those little things that we take for granted; that life is beautiful and we are incredibly lucky to have this earth to call our home.

Day-Dates, Reclamation, & Courage and Strength

Mon, 18 Jan 2021 09:25:51 -0500

On Saturday, my wife and I took a drive over to Easton, MD and had lunch at one of our favorite Italian restaurants, Scossa. We ate lunch outside, despite it being 48 degrees. Admittedly, it is a bit odd to eat lunch outside in January wearing our winter coats, but it’s as close as we are coming to normal right now.

Birdsong, Vitamin D, Engaging Work

Thu, 14 Jan 2021 13:54:24 -0500

I am not laboring under the delusion that it’s spring — because it’s only January — but I have noticed that there are a few birds that have been chirping on my walks and runs.

After a week of fairly cold days (though still no snow which bums me out), it’s crystal clear and 50° today. I’m catching a few minutes in the sun, getting some vitamin D, between calls with a cup of coffee.

My Recovery, My Foundation

Thu, 07 Jan 2021 09:00:13 -0500

I missed my gratitude post yesterday. In the wake of the events in DC yesterday I am grateful for my recovery. My sobriety is the foundation upon which the rest of my life is built.

The Kindness, Support, & Love of Strangers

Fri, 01 Jan 2021 19:41:31 -0500

It was a hard day for me. The weight of the pandemic and the dysfunction of the holidays not being very holiday like hit me hard today. But when I shared my pain with my Twitter crew, things felt better. I am so grateful for the support I get from people around the world on that service. I know that some people find Twitter to be a cesspool, and if I look in the wrong corners I see it as well, but the group that I interact with in a daily basis is so life affirming and supportive.

Flexibility, Running, & the Sun

Tue, 22 Dec 2020 13:51:24 -0500

I’m grateful for the flexibility and the mobility that my job affords me which means I don’t have to stress about how to manage my son’s time off school over the holidays.

I plan to go for a run this afternoon and I’m grateful for the ability to run. Running helps me calm my monkey mind.

Sharing the Load, Permission to Feel, & Impermanence

Mon, 21 Dec 2020 17:54:14 -0500

I’ve struggled to come up with three things to post today. It’s one of those days when the weight of the world feels heavy on my shoulders. I am grateful to know that I don’t have to shoulder that weight alone.

Hiding in Plain Sight

Mon, 21 Dec 2020 08:00:00 -0500

I’m stealthy. I’ve always been good at keeping secrets — hiding things. I hid my feelings of guilt and shame about my father’s suicide when I was a kid by telling people all about it as soon as I got comfortable with them. If I told them the story quickly, and without a lot of feelings, then they would think I was over it — that I’d made peace with it. I told people that it was something that had happened, matter of factly, like it was as insignificant as what I’d had for breakfast.

Winter Solstice, Peanut the Cat, & an Automated Butcher Shop

Sun, 20 Dec 2020 14:55:45 -0500

We are almost to the winter solstice, which is cause for celebration. I am grateful that there will gradually be more daylight everyday starting in two days.

It’s grey today, but not too cold. I got out for a walk with my son and we spoke with the woman who’s cat my son has loved forever. She told us that Peanut died a few weeks ago but that he lived to be twenty years old! I’m grateful for the memories of my son sitting in the middle of the street petting Peanut.

Down Sweaters & Dying Batteries

Sat, 19 Dec 2020 16:05:37 -0500

I took a walk this morning and it was pretty darn cold. I’m grateful for my down sweater which kept me warm.

My wife called me this afternoon because the car wouldn’t start. I’m grateful that my dad taught me how to properly use jumper cables so I could get the car started and back home.

A Meeting, Values, & DIGEX

Fri, 18 Dec 2020 16:49:05 -0500

What a week it’s been. I am grateful that the work week is coming to an end and that my last meeting was with like-minded folks discussing topics of community, vulnerability, and gratitude.

My workplace has five values: Disruption, Execution, Collaboration, Integrity, and Inclusion. These are lofty values, but the miracle is that I see them being lived by people at every level in the company on a daily basis. I’m grateful for these values and the people who live by them in my workplace.

Memories, Feeling Better, & Carrying the Message

Thu, 17 Dec 2020 09:19:19 -0500

We lost my Uncle Danny yesterday and while it’s sad that he’s gone, I’m grateful that one of my earliest memories from childhood was him playing with me at the playground. He showed me how to do a “skin-the-cat” on the rings. I was perhaps 3 or 4 at the most.

A Reminder, Some Relief, & a Conversation with a Friend

Wed, 16 Dec 2020 10:17:51 -0500

Lately, for a variety of reasons, coming up with three things I’m grateful for has been a bit of a challenge. I was reading one of my books of reflections and I was reminded that life is what we make of it. Often, we must look for the light. That’s what this practice is all about. I’m grateful for the reminder.

Telemedicine, Warmth, & an Old Friend

Tue, 15 Dec 2020 17:12:06 -0500

I had a telemedicine appointment today to talk about the fact that I’ve been gritting my teeth so hard at night that I’m waking myself up. I am grateful for the technology that made it possible for me to get the care I needed safely from my own home.

My Role at Work, My Health, & Cinnamon Tea

Mon, 14 Dec 2020 18:59:05 -0500

In the past 24 hours, the news that several federal agencies had been compromised through a suspected supply chain breach of a network management vendor. I haven’t been as grateful as I am today to no longer be in operations in quite some time. At the same time I have a great deal of empathy and compassion for all those in operational roles and employees the firm and agencies that got breached because I know how hard they have been and will be working for the foreseeable future and just how stressful it is to respond to a breach.

Healing, Running, & Sleeping In

Sun, 13 Dec 2020 09:08:37 -0500

Yesterday, I talked with my dear friend who had open heart surgery last week. It was wonderful to hear his voice and even better to hear that he would likely be discharged to day. I’m grateful for the success and healing and grateful to have him in my life.

Neural Pathways, An Old Photo, & a Warm Day Ahead

Sat, 12 Dec 2020 09:00:12 -0500

I’ve been reading the news this morning and even after only a short 39 minutes I am feeling overwhelmed. I’m grateful for this daily gratitude practice which has really made a difference in my outlook in this difficult time by rewiring the neural pathways in my brain.

On Suffering, In and Out of the Saddle

Sun, 06 Dec 2020 19:36:10 -0500

Within the sport of cycling, a contingent of people seem to glorify suffering. This glorification of suffering stems from a toxic masculinity that pervades the sport. It is true that much has been done to welcome women to the sport, and it is also true that there are many seriously bad ass women in the sport, but by and large it is dominated by men. And they like to tell each other how much they suffer in the saddle.

Confessions of a Man Addicted to Boots

Fri, 04 Dec 2020 20:02:33 -0500

I have loved boots as long as I can remember. I remember having rubber boots that buttoned around the front when I was very small, wearing sandwich bags over my feet to go out in the snow. When I was in second grade, after we moved to the sticks, I started asking for a pair of cowboy boots, and a insulated vest, because that’s what the kids who’s parents had farms wore to school.

Leaving New York

Tue, 24 Nov 2020 16:00:47 -0500

We came here knowing that this trip would be different but it was more challenging than we expected. Prior to heading to NY for a week in the Catskills, all three of us had gotten COVID tests in order to conform with the current NY state guidelines. These guidelines stipulated that we could come to the state provided that we’d had a negative COVID test within three days of arrival and we would agreed to quarantine for three days upon arrival. We would be released from quarantine after getting another COVID test with negative results on the fourth day. In theory this sounded feasible. In practice we faced many hurdles.

A Sober Agnostic’s Crisis of Faith

Fri, 20 Nov 2020 12:30:05 -0500

Things are really hard right now. Every day, I feel overwhelmed. Like so many others, I’m navigating uncharted waters without so much as a compass. The uncertainty of the moment weighs heavily on my mind and the challenges we face as a family feel insurmountable. It’s a game of wack-a-mole.

Joy; Unbridled — Thoughts on My Higher Purpose During the Coronavirus Pandemic

Sun, 18 Oct 2020 10:45:09 -0400

As the pandemic reaches the seventh month here in the United States, and our death toll continues to climb — in part due to mismanagement and disinformation on the part of the highest levels of our federal government — we are assaulted by science denial and lies on a daily basis. We watch as the President intentionally sows distrust of the electoral process, spreads baseless conspiracy theories, and has calls for his cult like followers to actively participate in voter intimidation at the polls, as it becomes more and more likely that he will lose the election.

Courage, Rebellion, and a Universe that has Your Back

Mon, 12 Oct 2020 13:24:31 -0400

Something that isn’t talked about enough in the rooms of the recovery community — courage. It takes courage to admit that we have a problem. It takes courage to ask for help. It takes courage to leave behind old habits and old coping mechanisms. It takes courage to get honest with ourselves and others. It takes courage to get sober or get clean.

1827 — Five Years, One Day at a Time

Wed, 23 Sep 2020 10:59:41 -0400

One thousand, eight hundred, twenty-seven days without a drink — one day at a time. But who’s counting?

Well, I am.

Five years is a long-ass time without taking a drink, considering that I drank daily for seven years, and at least weekly for 25 years, leading up to September 23, 2015.

Grateful for Technology

Sat, 22 Aug 2020 20:11:10 -0400

Since March, I haven’t been to an in person 12 Step meeting. I’ve been to meetings, just not in person. And really, at this point even as we’ve had in person meetings open back up and some have gone to a hybrid mode (in person and zoom at the same time), I have no intention of going back for the foreseeable future. Not because I don’t need meetings, I do, but because I am not quite ready to go sit in a room with other people in recovery who may or may not be taking this pandemic seriously.

Strengthening Our Hearts

Sat, 01 Aug 2020 09:14:20 -0400

Of all the muscles in the body, the heart is probably the most essential. In conjunction with the diaphragm, the heart works to delivering oxygen and nutrients to every other system in the body by pumping blood 24 hours a day.