Sobriety

I’ve mentioned before that I really didn’t lose much as a result of my drinking. And it’s true, I didn’t lose any of the things that one might normally measure as losses. I kept my job, my wife, my house, my son, my car, and my health — if only just barely. This past Sunday, I was feeling a bit restless for no particular reason. We’d been to the pool on Saturday, but I felt a need to get out of the house. I went out around 11:30 with the intention of picking up a pair of shorts to replace some that I’d blown out on vacation. Over the past week, my Twitter/Instagram/Facebook friend, Regina Walker had posted a few photos of her son at some art museums —this one of her son contemplating a Jackson Pollock had stirred up a desire to go to an art museum in me. Then over the weekend, she posted this one at MOMA and it kind of sealed the deal. As I left the house, I asked my son if he’d like to go to the Baltimore Museum of Art when I returned. Amazingly, he said, “Yes” ...

We all do it. We all compare ourselves to other people. We compare ourselves to our friends, our enemies, our neighbors, strangers on the street, and celebrities that we will never know personally. In some cases we feel “superior to” and in other cases we feel “less than” — neither view is particularly healthy. Our subjective understanding of ourselves is deeply rooted in our understanding of how we fit in (or don’t) to this world. We come to this understanding by comparing ourselves to others. In early years, this is how we learn to become social animals. It’s how we learn to make friends. I am constantly amazed that my son so easily makes friends when he meets other children his age. I am sure he compares himself to them, but it doesn’t seem to matter. He quickly finds the commonalities and joins in in the fun. Those commonalities may be as specific as the love of Legos or as simple as the mere fact that they are kids and not adults. I have vague recollections of being able to do this myself when I was young. But somewhere along the line I lost the ability to quickly identify similarities and began to focus on the differences. ...

Facebook has a remarkable way of reminding me exactly how crazy things had gotten in my life. You know those “Memories” that it shows. Many of mine are related to what I was drinking that day. Either a picture of a drink, a check in on untapd, or even more disturbing a post about how much I was looking forward to having a drink. It’s been nine months and one day since I took my last drink. ...

Today is Father’s Day. I am sober. Although I stopped counting a while ago, the app on my phone tells me it’s been 270 days since I first went 24 hours without a drink. I celebrate my sobriety date based on that rather than the day of my last drink — somehow it seems more correct. ...

It’s another great day to be alive, healthy, and sober. The sunset last night was so spectacular here in Menemsha. It was a true reminder of how beautiful this world and this life really are. As I sit here on the porch of the cottage we are renting this morning the sky is clear, the birds are singing, and the harbor bell is ringing in the distance. ...

“Hi, welcome to Seastreak. Do you have a reservation?” “Yes, we’re on the 2 PM to Martha’s Vineyard.” “Okay, parking is down the street for $13 a day, or we can valet it for $25 a day.” ...

“This is why I stopped drinking,” I said, “I was missing times like this.” My son had been making paper airplanes of various designs — multiple different shapes, decorations, cut outs, stapled on parts, and weights of paper ranging from printing paper to card-stock — since shortly after Hearon had shown up for dinner. Of course, every different plane was presented to our guest for inspection and approval before its inaugural flight. I can’t do justice to my son’s enthusiasm for these planes and the fact that he had a new friend to show them to. Let me just say that there was a great deal of laughter and many smiles between the three of us. This was, indeed, one of the reasons I’d stopped drinking — I was, indeed, missing out on moments like this 8 months ago. I missed out on the because they never had a chance to happen. ...

It’s June. The 6th month of the year. Those of us in the Northern Hemisphere will be celebrating the start of summer with the summer solstice. Those in the Southern Hemisphere are headed into winter. Of course, in the 12 step world, we often focus on a step and a tradition each month. Naturally, meetings are focused on the sixth step in June, where we humbly ask the good of our understanding to remove our defects of character. I’m still fuming. ...

It’s 90°F and the Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend.My wife is headed out if town and I will have my eight year old son in my own this weekend. It’s going to be hot tomorrow too. Of course, the AC would go on the fritz today. Murphy’s Law. It would be easy to let it get to me and to loose my shit about it. In the past I would have bitched up a storm, maybe thrown my phone across the room, and definitely drank over it – because that was how I dealt with everything, whether it was good or bad. But not today. ...

Look, this isn’t always easy. There are times when the appeal of a cold beer is pretty strong. Sometimes it’s because I’m angry. Sometimes it’s because I’m bored. Sometimes it’s because the sun is shining and its 70° F. Sometimes, it’s because it’s Tuesday… When the urge strikes, I find that it’s good to remind myself why I got sober. I find that it’s good to look back on some older posts reminding myself of just where I was. And sometimes, that’s enough to set the mind on the right path. ...

I’m not a big fan of roller coasters, whether they are real or emotional. I’ve been on and emotional one for the last few days and it hasn’t been fun. I am not quite sure when it started but for certain the idea of a drink came into my head several times over the weekend. There was a lot going on over the weekend and my father in law was visiting. I love the man, but there’s no doubt that I need to take him in small doses. I wanted an escape hatch. The easy escape hatch that kept surfacing was to have a drink. I didn’t, but those urges sure were strong at times. ...

Honesty is important in recovery. Honestly, right now I really miss drinking - not getting drunk - just drinking beer & bourbon. I feel the same way about smoking, sometimes. I know it’s worth it, and I’m not going to drink, but sometimes this shit is fucking hard. ...

Are binge drinking and alcoholism related? I'm sure there are people far better qualified than me to answer this question, but I'll share some insights that I've gleaned from my own reading and I'll share my own experience. Let’s begin with a definition of binge drinking from the CDC’s site: ...

Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. A.A. World Services Inc (2013-12-02). Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Location 4976). A.A. World Services, Inc.. Kindle Edition. Volumes can and have been written on one of my most favorite activities in the world, fishing. Tales full of hyperbole. Stories about the one that got away. Articles and books on gear and technique. And of course stories that seem to tell tales of life lessons, patience, acceptance, allegories about death and dying. What could I possibly add to this tome of information on the subject of fishing? Probably not much. The idea for this post came during a meeting the other day. A few of the gentlemen in the room were talking about acceptance. ...

As I drive down Maryland Route 140 from Westminster toward I795, the sun sets in the rear-view mirror. For years I tried to let the sun set on my youth. I felt out of step with the world growing up in rural Maryland. And in a lot of ways, I was out of step with the world. But now, I’m finding that venturing back to where I grew up is not as painful as I might have imagined it. I’ve just had an amazing reunion with a very special teacher, one who saw something in me and helped me set my life on a better path in high school. Through the miracles of technology, we have been reunited and have kept up with each other over the past 8 years or so. We met one other time, before I went off the rails. ...